Hoops and, now, a Sinkhole

Shoulda, woulda, coulda... I feel quite frustrated and sad at the moment because my sweet Grandma Rice has passed. She was everything a grandchild could have asked for in a grandparent. My Grandpa Rice died after a second massive stroke when I was 16 and that was sad, but I have always been closer to my grandmothers than my grandfathers. So losing Grandma Rice (or Boots was her preferred name) has torn my heart open. I feel numb and usually have tears at the corners of my eyes. So, even with buckets of grad school coursework sitting on my shoulders, I don't have the energy to think critically or think about perfect pedegogy. In fact, screw school at least for this time while I collect my thoughts, which have gone back and forth between seeing my dead grandmother and my immense collection of happy Grandma memories.

Let's deal with the bitter end. I was called when Grandma was literally in her last moment. She had been in assisted living for 18 months, which were not very happy times for her and I visited her pretty often. Mom called while I sat in the dentist's parking lot and I agreed to meet her at Grandma's. Through wet tears I drove to pick up Chris a ways away in San Mateo before meeting Mom at the Forum. We got there and I didn't think of what we might encounter; Grandma dying. We stepped in as the Chaplin called the time of death and there was Grandma laying in her bed by the window that faced out to the green hills and a bird feeder. Mom was crouching over her, putting a cell phone up to her ear as my aunt on the other end said her good-byes. I cried and cried and cried. I rubbed Mom's back and then stepped up to touch Grandma's face and hair. Words couldn't come out of my mouth, but I told her I loved her and that I would miss her and good-bye. The Chaplin said Grandma's Spirit was in transition as long as her heart was warm. I don't know if I believed that, but I did know that Grandma was dead in front of me. This was the end of a long and joyful book. Grandma was a sweet, sensitive, loving, tolerant, and fun-loving main-character.

After about twenty minutes Mom came back into the room from having been on her cellphone getting the word out to siblings and said, "Doesn't she look peaceful?" I replied under my breath as respectfully as I could, "Mom, she looks dead." I did not stay when the mortuary came to pick her up, but Mike, my brother did.

On the other hand life is ripping right along even with me in slow motion. There is always a text book to read, a lesson plan to prepare or an essay to write, but for now I don't want to do those things. I want to grieve. Stop the life/gradschool/real-world train because I need to get off. I don't know what I do want to do, but I don't want to preform at a grad school level right now. I'm not feeling competitive at the moment. I don't want to run this race. I need a break.

I will also leave you with some happy parts: Our search for Halloween Pumpkins, Chris's successful tomato harvest, and that I have jumped the enormous hoops and applied for

graduation. That was before now and I'm glad. I also had fun with my friend Becca while we prepared a whole bunch of food for Monday's snack.

But right now it's hard to get excited over much. 99.9% of my extended family are now planning to make the trip to the Bay Area for the burial and memorial. Well, I guess it is sad and happy at the same time. I feel like I'm in one of life's sinkholes. Stuck for the moment.