I was supposed to have a little baby of my own by now, if everything had gone to the plans we neatly made, but God has His own plans. While I watch all my peers pop them out, I am left wondering what God has up His all-knowing sleeve.
The definition of infertility, according to the packet Kaiser sends to you, is when “couples... have not been able to conceive after 12 months of having regular sexual intercourse without using any form of birth control.” What we have also learned is that its pretty normal, happening in one in six couples.
After six unsuccessful months of what the doctors and nurses call “unprotected sex,” I wasn't too worried because Before Your Pregnancy, which I read three months before going off of the Pill, stated that most get preggers after a year of trying. I think it was around the 6-month mark when I invested in an ovulation test kit, which is a bunch of strips you dip in your own urine to see when you ovulate. This was a bit gross and Chris complained that the strips were laid out were where he put his toothbrush. That and the fact that the strips never changed color or showed a line made me give up. In August, exactly one year of baby-making (ironic, isn't it?), I did get my ovaries massaged by an old Latina deep in EPA. $75 later, all that got me was a substantial scrape on my car.
I think telling people that your trying without success is the most amusing. Like when getting that kit, the rather ugly clerk lady told me that I have to put my legs in the air after sex. That's what the ladies in her family had done, oh, and don't think about it. After I tell people my age, the usual response is, “Oh your YOUNG, pphhtttt... don't worry about it.” Some have stories of women doing everything from acupuncture to taking antibiotics and POOF they conceived. If one more person tells me to “stop trying” or “stop thinking about it,” or “think positive,” I think I'll punch them in the face. During one conversation with my family, after answering Mom's usual “Do you have any news for us?” Mike, my brother, said, “Well, I've heard sex can help.”
At a recent women's retreat a charismatic lady had a prophecy for me, through the Holy Spirit, that I will get good news around Christmas time. Without really getting to know me, she and a few others told me that I lacked Faith, which I found insulting. I know God knows the desire of my heart, but His ways are not my ways. And doesn't Proverbs 3 say, “Lean on, trust in, and be confident in the Lord with all your heart and mind and do not rely on your own insight or understanding.” He has a plan, I just don't know what it is yet.
Obviously this process isn't without its inner angst, or I wouldn't be writing this right now. At first, when I would miss a period, but then get it two months later, that would be hard. The heaviest emotion is baby or pregnancy envy or maybe that can go without saying. For close friends who are pregnant for the first time and who confide in us personally, it's so exciting and I love being hopeful with them. This wasn't the case when at work and with the help of Facebook, I literally found out four close friends were pregnant all within twenty minutes. Lately, with the help of my over-active mind, Facebook is often Babybook. It must be the age to have offspring. As I was picking up some lab slips from the nurse's station at my OBGYN a few days ago (they all know me by name now), I was relieved to be alone in the waiting area. Next thing I knew a handsome couple came in whispering to each other. The man murmured, “I guess this is the real deal,” and she replied, “It sure is.” To my annoyance they even pulled out what seemed to be their first ultrasound picture. It was very sweet how he pondered aloud, “We can surprise Dad and put this under his dinner plate.” I was more than relived to be called in to talk to the nurses about paperwork and other ink tests. At that time, a part of me wished there was a separate office for those people who cannot conceive.
Next steps for us is to undergo infertility testing, or rather, fertility testing – however you want to view it. Minimum cost under my health insurance is going to be around $300. It is so much more cost effective to have your own children naturally, because I have also asked friends who have adopted how much it cost them. From what information I have gathered the mean price is $30,000 for a baby. Another interesting twist is the fact that 99% of the women on my father's side of the family had a little condition called endometriosis and infertility problems. Now, I would never have thought I would have problems, but another lunchtime conversation with a Sister in Christ at the women's retreat, peaked my curiosity. I mentioned that I had terribly irregular cycles and couldn't get pregnant and she said she had the same exact symptoms and was diagnosed with endometriosis. I told her that I don't have any pain, which I thought was a primary symptom of the ailment. This woman had seen a specialist, had a surgery and now has a few children of her own. Interesting...
In fact Google Health also says,
Note: Often there are no symptoms. In fact, some women with severe cases of endometriosis have no pain at all, whereas some women with mild endometriosis have severe pain.
In all of this, there are up-sides, like not getting a regular period means a lack of mood swings. Prenatal vitamins have extra iron, so I don't have to get extra iron pills. I'd much rather be infertile than any number of other conditions. Chris has also been very supportive and loving. I have faith that we will have a family, somehow. When talking to Chris, I asked him if he saw himself not having any children at all and we both agreed that that didn't suit us. As my good friend Sharon said, “There are many ways to make a family.” I have faith in that.
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