Returning to Work: What are you going to do with the Baby?

I have one week left in my summer break, as a special educator. I am trying to be nonchalant as I write this post. all the while listening to a training on Autism.  Next year I will be joining a new crew at a charter school and a large part of me is looking forward to the new challenge. Depending on the part of the day or mood, an even larger part of me wants to “lean in” to just being a parent to my 15 month old.

Join me and "like" my Facebook page: Postmodern Mummy! This is how big Conrad was when I went back to work.

Since I’ve returned to work as a parent, which was last summer, I noticed that I don’t have much patience as I had before. Work needs to stay at work. Teachers (most of us are female, mind you) are the first to judge each other if someone’s “not pulling their weight.” On one hand I try my best and on the other, I’m NOT going to apologize for being a mom. If you feel the need to stay until 7pm most nights, God bless you, but I have priorities you may not have (right now, at least).

Having “mixed emotions” is a very appropriate sentiment for my life right now. My feelings about work change a lot. I love to teach and especially the special needs population. In my line of work there’s a lot of positive and I feel like I do a good job. Considering I have to work; I often hate work for that reason. Or it’s more that I hate being separated from my baby. What does not help is some comments I get, often from other generations of women. For example, when I told people I was going back to work (like it’s what I wanted to do in the first place), they asked, “but what are you going to do with your baby?” What do you think? Keep him in a closet? Of course I’ll try to find the BEST childcare situation I can for my precious baby. Of course. For my little family, we moved back to the States so my mom could be the nanny.  These women usually then add that they got to stay at home with their babies in some way: short-term (longer than the USA’s pitiful 3 month maternity leave) or permanently. I’m happy they had that choice. Good for them. I was raised by a Stay-at-home-mom who was raised by a Stay-at-home-mom. No wonder I would like to follow suit. For Heaven’s sake, I work with kids for a living. I’m READY to be a parent, preferably, full-time.

In casual conversations I noticed that women in my mom’s generation got to be a stay-at-home-mom (SAHM) if that is what they wanted. The pre-menopausal generation “opted-out” for a few years or 20. Lucky them. When I talk to my peers, who have often been teaching for a while and might want to take off, can’t. There are stories of us working through difficult pregnancies and going back to work, even if it might not be in our children’s best interests. Going part-time is not a good option, either, because you don’t usually get benefits or are able to meet your family’s financial needs.  A lot of us are looking for more flexible work situations or even starting our own businesses.

Going back to work, I thought I was going crazy. Meltdown City, man. At that time being a new mom with a 3 month old was new and terrifying and now I had to figure out working full-time with a baby. I was so angry at the world. Society expects too much from moms. This is cray-cray. Pumping was a large part of my anxiety. It still is and Baby is 15 months old (if you’re not down with bf-ing, don’t talk to me about it). Just at this training, I basically pumped in a corner, hoping no one would come along. It was my fault because giving the organization a day’s notice that I needed a secure place to pump was not enough. My fault, my ass. Today I found an unlocked classroom and thank God.  Oh my gosh, I cannot tell you how many ignorant people, often women, have told me “there is a bathroom,” when I tell them I’ll be taking breaks to pump. What?! Do you make your dinner in your bathroom, let alone food for a baby? No. It is also illegal to suggest this situation. In California, there’s a Lactation Accommodation Law, where a mom must have access to a room with a lock that is NOT a bathroom. Sheesh!

I have to be efficient at work and that is not a bad thing. Organizing my work tasks by priority is a must and I get what needs to get done, done. This is where my level of patience gets in the way, too. I have no patience for office politics nor petty drama. How about let’s all assume everyone on this campus is doing their absolute best and if not, it is not necessarily my business anyways. Shit. Lately, when life has thrown me lemons, I swear at those lemons. When life gets hard, I curse more frequently. I know. It’s not lady-like and definitely not what Jesus would do. After that I then try to make f-ing lemonade. I have yet to see what kind of lemonade is going to be made with this area of my life.  I’m still in cursing mode, but I know this has to all work out. I still think something’s got to give for moms.  

Living with your Folks (its a Recession, People!)

Hi. I'm 33, have a Masters degree, happily married and have a perfectly healthy toddler. At the moment we also have been living with my mother since July 2012 (we lived with my MIL in England, but I cannot tell that story right now). It's somewhat voluntary, but still feels odd, like an adult holding pattern. Living out of a suitcase, sleeping next to the Baby's crib and having our important household items in a small storage unit, is a strange state of being. Since moving back to the SF Bay Area from the UK we have both found full-time work, and luckily Mom watches Conrad. This was supposed to be temporary and we thought we were going to move out by now, but the economy has had other plans. Rents have sky-rocketed as greedy landlords have caught on that there is a glut of renters. People have foreclosed on their houses and are looking to rent or others simply cannot afford a house. We are in the latter category. Being good and frugal with your money won't buy you a house around here, unless you are working for Google, Yahoo or Apple. I teach Special Education and Chris is an Engineer.
So we are thinking are only option is to move, again. We moved to England in 2011, hoping for a better way of life (don't laugh). Over there the cost of housing seemed to be in line with what a average worker made, but the cost of living was pretty pricey. We moved back, mostly because I just had a baby and wanted some support and familiarity. Also, we wanted to be able to take day trips without breaking the bank. To fill up our little Astra over there, it was over 60 pounds!
With that said, I have been trying to see if there are support groups out there for families like mine who are living with their parents, just to get by financially. I searched "living with your folks" on Facebook, but all that came up was this young guy who never left home in the first place and started a page. Even on the internet, searches come up with how young adults haven't been able to "launch." At the park I did meet another mommy, my age with two young kiddos who lives with her Mother in Law. I think we both feel the same way; like we aren't living up to our potential in some sub-conscience way. It was nice meeting someone else in the same figurative boat.
Maybe this is cultural thing. I'm "white" (I really don't like that term. We should be European-American or whatever.) and raised by people who never seemed to fall on "hard times." Grandma talked about the Depression and made us clean our plates as a result, but that was it. We grew up to think adults who lived at home had to have something a little wrong with them. "That's weird," "Maybe they have a mental illness," "Don't they want to live on their own?," "When are they going to move out?" "They are taking advantage," etc. I know other cultures embrace many generations in one household. I simply don't think my own culture's so accepting.
Living in someone's house, a lot of stuff gets put away mentally and emotionally. Like I am usually an organized person, but all my stationary is in storage, along with all of my size 10 clothes. I would like to have get-togethers, but would rather not ask for permission from Mom. When I watch commercials, I wonder how the scenarios would go if that family was living with their parents. There's one advertisement where the 3 year old excitedly tells his mom that he went to the bathroom. His mother enthusiastically rushes to see what was deposited in the toilet, but finds nothing there, so then asks, "Where?" Her son then points to the other side of the bathroom. Now if that happened with the Grandma at home, she'd be in the doorway, too. Saying. Stuff.
All I can say is that this period of time, living with my mom, will help me appreciate when we do move into our own place. Just like infertility made me so thankful for having my own child. Even so, I wish more people, who have had to put their independence on hold to move back home, would be more open about it. I'm here for you! If we did have gatherings it will have to be in a public place. Preferably some place serving alcohol. Cheers to better times ahead! But for now, let's have a drink (or two).